I've turned in my notice at the place I rent and my job. I've packed most of my things, and gotten rid of most everything else. I've said goodbyes to various people and places. I've culled down my collection of books. I've driven to Goodwill. I've gotten my car checked out (and paid for expensive repairs to my brakes). I've consolidated all my disks to a disk case, and gathered up my food items to give to Aubra, who will be bringing them to the local food bank.
I still have things I would have liked to do that I don't think I'll have time for, such as Craigslisting my old Xbox and games and better organizing what few things I have. I still need to do that last load of laundry, and wash my bedding, just for good measure. I still need to see if all my Stuff will fit in my car.
But really, right now it feels as if I am trapped in stasis. Because I really don't have the time to sit by the phone waiting for someone to call me about the Xbox (I'll just take it with me and sell it when I get there.) There's little left to do, and I'd prefer to spend my time to myself... saying goodbye to all the people I know and have known is depressing, and I don't want to focus on that my entire last few days here.
But there are so many things I am anxious about! Will my stuff fit in the car? Will I have enough money? Will I be able to find a place to live, and a job, once I get to New Hampshire? Will I get hopelessly lost on the way there and end up out of gas and broken down in the middle of no where in the blazing desert sun? Have I lost my mind in deciding to do this? Is everyone just too polite to point out to me that I've lost my mind?
And then there's the additional complication.
I asked my long distance boyfriend from Georgia to come join me.
Perhaps it sounds crazy, but both of us are in places in our lives where we NEED to leave the nest, and what better way to test a fledgeling relationship except by putting tons of strain on it via a shared road trip with both of our Things?
I've kept kind of quiet about this aspect... because I know it sounds nuts. Because I'm a little embarassed to say that, yes, I met my boyfriend on WoW, and no, I've never actually met him yet. I know. I KNOW. 'You can't really know if it's the real deal if you meet online!' 'What if he's really a crazy stalker?' 'He might have lied to you about everything- you can be anyone online!' 'Anonymity breeds crazies!'
Trust me, I am aware of these potential issues. I'm also aware that, even if he's everything he says he is- and he has been nothing but honest with me in the year we've known each other- that there may simply be no chemistry between us.
I know the risks. But to be honest?
I'm more worried about the trip than this particular aspect of it.
I mean, if you're going to date long distance, you have to meet some time, don't you? If it doesn't work between us, we will both have the maturity to continue on with this and make it to our destination, where we can part and go our separate ways. This is a risk neither of us might have taken, without the push from the other. Just that makes it worth the risk, in my opinion. Because this is something I needed to do, and I don't know if I would have done it on my own.
So we'll see what happens. But this, too, factors into my fears. Because what if we do meet, and it isn't what we'd hoped? Just another thing to add to that dreaded List. What if my interpersonal intuition is way, way off and he's an axe murderer?
One step at a time. We'll see what happens.
He gets here on Saturday, early morning. We leave Saturday night.
So now... I'm just waiting.
I'm starting to get real sick of waiting, today.